When a push becomes a shove...

I find myself being saved at the most inopportune times. Why? Why would the lord be so gracious, so loving, so willing to save me? Who am I that God, the maker of Heaven and Earth, would see it so fit that I still be here. Why do I get this great life? I think of all the places I could be in the world, and I'm here; (mostly) sunny San Diego, California. God why cant I come back to you, be back in Your arms where I know I'm safe. Instead I'm out here, running for the hills, dodging bullets, and sinking into the darkest pits of hell. Ok, perhaps it seems over-dramatic, but it seems so dark when I think about it. I am the darkness, and You are shining all around me, but I wont let You in. Why cant I just submit to You, give it all to you? I know that You wont let anything hurt me, I know that I will be safe in Your arms. But that "leap of faith" is so scary. God I don't want to jump from this wretched tree. It may be rotting underneath me, but I've come too far; I'm climbed too high. There isn't much left for me to do, I can wait it up. I can post up here, clinging with every breath that I have until this tree burns to the ground with a blaze brighter than the sun...or I can turn that strength, turn that fervor towards you. I can run to You with these stains that I know only your blood can wash free. But God I just need that push, I don't want to jump into your arms, God. I want to fall, head-first, into the warmth of Your love and Your grace. Just give me that extra push.

from a great writer

How i wish
I could talk to you
And you would answer
Me in words
It's in me, I know,
To ask for the easy way
And it's in you, I know,
To ask more of me.
You've done so much
and I'm sorry that
Sometimes I forget.
And when you speak to me
In more than words,
I forget to listen.
So touch my heart
And remind me
That words
Are only words.
But you holding my hand
And leading me through life
Is a much more true way
To show
Your love.

-SP

Dream Tunnel

Last night I think I had the best dream I have ever had. Well I know I had the best dream I've had in a long long while. It's crazy how in a dream I could be as happy as I was. I can still remember just that feel of euphoria surging through me, even though it wasn't real. That voice, it was like sweet honey, and the words were as soft as velvet. I know as time goes on, even as the day progressed, it will gradually fade away. However, I'm going to fight with everything I have to keep it. I've waited too long for a dream like this, and I'm not going to let it slip away. I'll just wait, for as long as I have to, for my dreams to come true.

Lord, why would you do this to me?

suspension

I'm caught. I'm hanging by fragile, tattered remnant of what used to be. Looking back at what seemed like such a brilliant, composed structure, I can now see the faults. I can see the cracks. I can see the mis-steps taken in building this bridge. My base made of twigs, and concrete made of brittle, old bones. This bridge will burn, and in its a place a memorial will erect. A tombstone that will encase all the pain, all the emptiness that was. This broken stone will be scarred with these words: I was not, I am not, I am the nothingness that is.

I'm hungry for you

I'm reading a book right now called into the wild. It's about a guy not much older than me who just up and left. He felt like he needed a changed...tired of his life one would say. He was a "leather tramp", living life day by day. He never had plans, he never really needed to be anywhere. He lived off the land, wherever he happened to be. It seemed like he had no cares in the world. He left his comfortable home in Virginia to hitch hike across the country stopping here and there. He would find a suitable town and stay for a month or two, then he would leave just as discreetly as he came in. He found himself in Alaska, with plans to survive in the wild for as long as he could. He thumbed his way up to a beat-down, abandoned road called Stampede Trail. With nothing but a bag of rice, a small sleeping bag, a .22 rifle, and a back pack full of various and seemingly useless items, he walked into the wild.
How freeing. How awesomely and indescribably compelling. What a grand endeavor to take on, living off the land with nothing but a back pack, sleeping bag, and a gun. Starting out the book drew me in and I was clutching to every vibrant, yet somewhat ominous word. However, the author gives the ending away within the first 20 pages. The young man, Christopher McCandless, dies after living a little over 4 months in the wild. How freeing right? What could have brought such a strong-willed and prideful man down? Hunger. Christopher's "remains" were weighed in at 65 pounds. Without food, Christopher's body began to eat itself; fat, muscle, etc. Without food, man becomes weak and will eventually wither up and die.
How about the spirit? What happens when we are not spiritually fed. What happens when we reject our home, and try to live for ourselves. No matter where we go God is there...even in the deepest tundra, there is no escaping His reach. The Father stretches His arm, and opens His mighty hand, it is us who need to reach back. Without His hand, we wither and die. Try as we might, reject Him as we will, He is still there time and time again. We cant simply walk the other way, we cant just ignore the very hand that created us. To that, we deprive ourselves from being spiritually fed, thus starving ourselves into the devil's submission. As much as a blazing inferno hell will be, I imagine it can get mighty cold when we're alone. Who can come to our aid, who can save us from this bitter ice land? The One true God who delivers me from evil, is the same God who will bring me rest. He will hold me in His arms, and He will not let me fall. The Father is a God of love, and compassion...He has taken mercy on us and He will not let us starve.
Let God be your daily bread. With Him, there is no hunger, there is no weakness.
Thank you.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

who gets on here anyway?

so I have a million thoughts racing. I wish I could write a book, a great book. It could be about everything I've experienced in life. The good times, bad times, all that jazz. It'd be a romantic comedy...light on both the romance and comedy (I'd always my life to be like one of those movies). It'd have great vocabulary, and amazing descriptives scenes. Pages of beautiful useless words. I would want to write this beautiful book, and fill it with all my secrets. Every little thing that I have burried deep inside, and guess who else would be in there...you. I'd write all about you, all of you. ha this isn't one of those "I bet you think this song is about you" things, I'm just saying everyone would be in it. The story of our lives. Shelby has a great album name, "you, me, and everyone we know"...I think I'd want to steal it. Sorry, it just sounds so awesome and genuine. So my book ladies and ladies gentlemen would be a best seller. Everyone would read it and would be an amazing hit; that is of course, had I not thrown it to the bottom of the sea. Look all you want, you'll never find it. It's burried in a chest, deep in my chest...it's a great story, but it's never going to be told. Not yet at least. Maybe later. Maybe one day you'll really know me, and all of my secrets. But I better hold off for now, I'd like you to like me for just a little bit longer. Good night boys and girls.

Happy Fathers Day

So it's been a while since I've put anything in here.

Life is unexpectedly really great right now! I'm loving every minute of it.

Thank you to all my friends that make my life so amazing!

Last night was way fun, thanks again Sarah :]

Happy Mother's Day

I wish I could have told you in person.
Lord knows how that would have gone down.
Is it that hard to talk?
All I can do is smile...
and oddly enough, it's getting easier to see yours.
You are happy, I can see it.
I don't want to hold you from anything,
not that I ever could.
You are your own person, you always have been.
I could never change that...
or be a part of it.
Nevermind me, I know not what I'm saying.
I would like to say,
you were happy I believe;
once with me.
I would like to, but I don't think I should.
"We musn't assume children",
The teacher proclaims.
It's been a long time since then,
but I really do want to talk to you.
It doesn't have to be about us, or lack-there-of,
I just want to talk.
Maybe after this guy,
if there is an after.
I imagine there will be though,
I know there was for me.
What happened though?
That's all I really want to know,
what happened?
Was I too clingy?
Too distant?
Did I talk too much?
Not enough?
My looks?
Maybe it wasn't me.
Maybe you just got bored.
I can understand that,
I hardly suprised you with anything.
Unfortunately I couldn't drive you around,
I imagine you would have loved a day in the snow.
You were always so beautiful though.
The thing was, you didn't know it;
not like I did at least.
The sad thing for me is, you're still beautiful.
I wish it weren't that way.
I begun feeling that I almost wish
I had never met you; you cant miss
what you never had, right?
"It's better to have loved, and lost,
than to have never loved at all."
At least that's what they say.
Is it true though?
I keep playing in back in my head,
maybe if I had done something different.
Maybe if I had fought you, would you have stayed?
Or would I just be delaying the inevittable?
If only you would give me a sign,
anything to just let me know that you felt something.
Did you?
Just know that I really do love you, and care about you.
I wish you well, and can honestly say I that am truly happy for you.
There is just so much that I wish I could say,
but there's no possible way you would let me talk to you about something serious;
nor would I be able to work up the nerve.
Maybe, just maybe, if I can catch you when you're free, and I don't have anything to loose.
What's the worst that could happen anyway?
"No", is that it?
Well if we're going off of me not having anything to loose, then I would ask again.
You owe me that much I think.
So, if you see me, please don't just smile.
Say my name.
You don't understand how much I light up when you say my name.
I'm still in love with the thought of us.
I'm still in love with the memory of you.
But for now, I will keep up with my facade,
I will wear my pretty little mask when you come around.
Just know, not a day goes by that I don't think of you.
Sincerley, me

the truth

there's a chain on my heart
I cant describe it
It's like a cold metal bar
that weighs on my mind
and that's not all of the total dilemma

I cant
you cant
only the truth can...


and there's a ball on the chain
at the pit of my stomach
and it keeps me awake
it hurts me at night
but that's not all of what I've got going

I cant
you cant
only the truth can...
change

And doctors they shrink on diseases they cannot explain
and my problems are with all the reasons there is so much pain
only the truth can explain
because

I cant
you cant
only the truch can change

TGIF

Now what a day
and as it fades out of sight
it's looking like another lonely friday night

ugh

so pretty much, I'm out of shape. I went on a run with my brother about an hour or so ago, it was just around the block. Looks like I'm going to be doing this every other night now, along with hopefully going to the gym!

dream tunnel

It's crazy how real a dream can be.
You could swear that it were true, and in that dream, it is true.
The only downside is: eventually, you have to wake up.
But ya know...that dream made my day!

so the chords wont stay where they're supposed to, but whatever

Everlasting God (we sing)

Just picked up my guitar and started jammin and this is what came out. What do ya think?


V1
G Em
Lord of heaven and the earth
C D
To you I sing
G Em
You are the last and the first
C D
Before me

V2
You sent down your only son
To die for us
You showed us your grace and love
Through the cross

Chorus:
G Em
You are the everlasting God
C D
To whom we sing
G Em
You are the everlasting God
C D
Our praise we bring

V3
You guide us with Your loving hand
Through the day
And by Your grace we will stand
And say

Chorus

Chorus

Bridge:
G Em
And Lord we don’t deserve Your love
C D
But God, You shower it down on us
G Em
We don’t deserve Your love
C D
But You shower it down on us

Chorus

First star on the right
Make sure you hold on tight
Straight on till dawn
Don't worry, just hold on

Neverland here we come
Head into the setting sun
No, don't close your eyes
We'll be back with the sunrise

...

Raarr

Sometimes I think that I scare people off

That I try too hard

But I get nervous, and I get a bit scared myself

My biggest fear is that I will live without love. I've been thinking about that a lot these past few days. It's really sucked because everyone has been doing so much stuff, thus I have been left in my house to sit and think in solitude. I tell ya, thinking is never good; not the real, good, long, deep, and hard thinking. I'm sure I'll find my girl, and I'm sure she'll find me...I just wish it didn't have to be so long. Winter can be the worst season, or the best. It gets oftly cold, even though we live in San Diego, and cold is just a term for below 70 degrees, it still does get a bit chilly in the night. I just wish I had someone to curl up with and share a blanket on the couch, and watch some movie while we drink our hot chocolate/chai/or even coffee.

Oh no more lights glistening
No more carols to sing
But Christmas
It makes way for Spring

Merry Christmas...right?

I hope it snows this week
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so Beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful

I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I can’t figure you out
Is this what Christmas is all about
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me

I don’t wanna talk
I’m sick of all this talking
A broken heart wrapped up in a Box
There's tear drops in my stocking

I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I can’t figure you out
Is this what Christmas is all about
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me

I hate Christmas parties
They offer me some punch
But I just shrug
I hate Christmas parties
You and the cookie
Tray hear me say
"Ba! Humbug"

Ful la la la la la…la la la la la la

shiver

It gets better and better it seems. Right when I feel like I have one foot up, and I'm on my way to standing up, it gets kicked right out from underneith me! Heck, and then sometimes I get that nice little kick while on the ground! I kept thinking, maybe it's a joke, maybe it's a crap dream, its not. I got a nice little slap in the face by reality, a bag of memories, and a streak of boredom and curiosity. Gah why do girls have to suck so bad!? Why cant it be a simple, "I like you, you like me; let's get married"? Why must it be so difficult? And after the fact, after it's over, why cant that be it? "We had a good run, but I guess that was it". No, it's going to come back in my dreams, and my thoughts, and every time I'm alone. It's going to come when I really want to like someone but cant because I'm afraid the same thing will happen again. It's going to come whenever I don't want it. It's going to come with Satan, and he's been whispering in my ear that I cant do it, I cant do anything. I can. I can do all things through Christ who gives me STRENGTH!

P.S.
Pray for me...please!

ouch

So, I looked at the date today just like any other day. I wrote it down in all of my classes. I read it on every board. Just like any other day it seemed; but it's not; or at least it wouldn't be. Today is the tenth, it would be a year and a half today. I was going to give her her ring today, and we would've been so happy. That's the way it was supposed to happen. However, it wasn't like that. It was just another day...

Listen...

Tear down this wall
Look down the hall
Tell me can you see me now?
Please show your face
Please show your grace
Tell me can you show me how...

To listen
To make you smile
To feel you for more than a little while
I used to be your Superman
Your Peter Pan
But tell me when did I become your devil?
Show me how to listen...

Now do you care
With your careless stare
Are you feeling this like me
You say we're fine
That you're still mine
But how can I get you to see...

To listen
To just hold your smile
to hold me for more than a little while
We used to get
through all this stuff
but now it seems were getting stuck
Don't live like your in denial...

I still love you
More than life
and I hope not even death will part us
Above everything
In this world
This is true, true love

Please kiss me
now hold me
let me know you're mine
'Cause a once in a lifetime love
Comes once in a lifetime

Now just listen
Like a little child
You've been running
For so many miles
Just catch your breath
Oh careful watch your step
I can help you on your way down
Give me your hand
I'll help you stand
I can put your feet back on the ground
If you'd just listen...