Merry Christmas...right?

I hope it snows this week
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so Beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful

I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I can’t figure you out
Is this what Christmas is all about
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me

I don’t wanna talk
I’m sick of all this talking
A broken heart wrapped up in a Box
There's tear drops in my stocking

I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I can’t figure you out
Is this what Christmas is all about
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me

I hate Christmas parties
They offer me some punch
But I just shrug
I hate Christmas parties
You and the cookie
Tray hear me say
"Ba! Humbug"

Ful la la la la la…la la la la la la

shiver

It gets better and better it seems. Right when I feel like I have one foot up, and I'm on my way to standing up, it gets kicked right out from underneith me! Heck, and then sometimes I get that nice little kick while on the ground! I kept thinking, maybe it's a joke, maybe it's a crap dream, its not. I got a nice little slap in the face by reality, a bag of memories, and a streak of boredom and curiosity. Gah why do girls have to suck so bad!? Why cant it be a simple, "I like you, you like me; let's get married"? Why must it be so difficult? And after the fact, after it's over, why cant that be it? "We had a good run, but I guess that was it". No, it's going to come back in my dreams, and my thoughts, and every time I'm alone. It's going to come when I really want to like someone but cant because I'm afraid the same thing will happen again. It's going to come whenever I don't want it. It's going to come with Satan, and he's been whispering in my ear that I cant do it, I cant do anything. I can. I can do all things through Christ who gives me STRENGTH!

P.S.
Pray for me...please!

ouch

So, I looked at the date today just like any other day. I wrote it down in all of my classes. I read it on every board. Just like any other day it seemed; but it's not; or at least it wouldn't be. Today is the tenth, it would be a year and a half today. I was going to give her her ring today, and we would've been so happy. That's the way it was supposed to happen. However, it wasn't like that. It was just another day...

Listen...

Tear down this wall
Look down the hall
Tell me can you see me now?
Please show your face
Please show your grace
Tell me can you show me how...

To listen
To make you smile
To feel you for more than a little while
I used to be your Superman
Your Peter Pan
But tell me when did I become your devil?
Show me how to listen...

Now do you care
With your careless stare
Are you feeling this like me
You say we're fine
That you're still mine
But how can I get you to see...

To listen
To just hold your smile
to hold me for more than a little while
We used to get
through all this stuff
but now it seems were getting stuck
Don't live like your in denial...

I still love you
More than life
and I hope not even death will part us
Above everything
In this world
This is true, true love

Please kiss me
now hold me
let me know you're mine
'Cause a once in a lifetime love
Comes once in a lifetime

Now just listen
Like a little child
You've been running
For so many miles
Just catch your breath
Oh careful watch your step
I can help you on your way down
Give me your hand
I'll help you stand
I can put your feet back on the ground
If you'd just listen...

old memories

I just found a song I wrote from a few weeks before Beth and I broke up. It was when she pretended to break up with me, but sort of actually thought about it. I was really upset after seeing how she really felt and I guess that should have been a sign. Anyway, I just found it barried in my wallet (which I also just found), and I just needed to put some chords to it. It's nothing to amazing, I'll post it later. I just needed to get it out though.

Manana mindset

I apologize for the last post, lame times one hundred. I would like to say, however, "wouldn't it be nice if were older?" God is...I cant even fathom what His is, and that's what makes Him so great! God give me direction, give me a purpose driven life!

top of the heap

Gosh I've been emotionally knotted for quite some time now. Story time anyone? I keep reverting back to old memories, thinking maybe this is just a bad dream. Maybe it's just a break, or a joke (not that funny). As much as I feel I'm "free", I still feel this weight. "There's chain on my heart, I cant describe it. It's like a cold metal bar, that weighs on my mind. And that's not all, of the total dilema...I cant, you cant, only the truth can change. There's a ball on the chain, at the pit my stomach. It keeps me awake, it hurts me at night. But that's not all of what I've got going...I cant, you cant, only the truth can change." The truth. The truth? God knows the truth, and that's about it. I'm over it, but am I? How is it that I can see her and smile? I know it cant be real, God knows it's not, but does she? Does she fake it? I am happy know, don't get me wrong. I love where things are going...but I'm having troubles with where they are right now. I had a dream the other night; a simple dream. I dreamt of a kiss, I could not tell who I was with. But I wanted it to be her. I wanted it to be ok again. I wanted to be able to hold her, and feel safe again. They say, "You never forget your first love,". I think it's easier than that. I say you never forget love, it's impossible to shun it out of sight and mind. God gave me a heart, I intend on using it. I just thought he'd given me someone to give my love to. It's times like these that I get confused on how I feel. I love the Lord, I don't deserve His love though. However, my ignorance can be very frusterating. I know God knows what He's doing, but just wish He'd throw me a bone. If I could get a split second glance into the future just to know everything turns out ok, I pray I could. I'm not saying that I have to get back together with her, all I want is to be loved. I know that can sometimes be a lot to ask from someone, and who am I to ask what God asks of us. I just want to love, to be loved. God grant me serenity, and wisdom. God give me faith like Moses and Joshua. Let me be strong and courageous, for you have commanded me. Let Your love flow!