top of the heap

Gosh I've been emotionally knotted for quite some time now. Story time anyone? I keep reverting back to old memories, thinking maybe this is just a bad dream. Maybe it's just a break, or a joke (not that funny). As much as I feel I'm "free", I still feel this weight. "There's chain on my heart, I cant describe it. It's like a cold metal bar, that weighs on my mind. And that's not all, of the total dilema...I cant, you cant, only the truth can change. There's a ball on the chain, at the pit my stomach. It keeps me awake, it hurts me at night. But that's not all of what I've got going...I cant, you cant, only the truth can change." The truth. The truth? God knows the truth, and that's about it. I'm over it, but am I? How is it that I can see her and smile? I know it cant be real, God knows it's not, but does she? Does she fake it? I am happy know, don't get me wrong. I love where things are going...but I'm having troubles with where they are right now. I had a dream the other night; a simple dream. I dreamt of a kiss, I could not tell who I was with. But I wanted it to be her. I wanted it to be ok again. I wanted to be able to hold her, and feel safe again. They say, "You never forget your first love,". I think it's easier than that. I say you never forget love, it's impossible to shun it out of sight and mind. God gave me a heart, I intend on using it. I just thought he'd given me someone to give my love to. It's times like these that I get confused on how I feel. I love the Lord, I don't deserve His love though. However, my ignorance can be very frusterating. I know God knows what He's doing, but just wish He'd throw me a bone. If I could get a split second glance into the future just to know everything turns out ok, I pray I could. I'm not saying that I have to get back together with her, all I want is to be loved. I know that can sometimes be a lot to ask from someone, and who am I to ask what God asks of us. I just want to love, to be loved. God grant me serenity, and wisdom. God give me faith like Moses and Joshua. Let me be strong and courageous, for you have commanded me. Let Your love flow!