When a push becomes a shove...

I find myself being saved at the most inopportune times. Why? Why would the lord be so gracious, so loving, so willing to save me? Who am I that God, the maker of Heaven and Earth, would see it so fit that I still be here. Why do I get this great life? I think of all the places I could be in the world, and I'm here; (mostly) sunny San Diego, California. God why cant I come back to you, be back in Your arms where I know I'm safe. Instead I'm out here, running for the hills, dodging bullets, and sinking into the darkest pits of hell. Ok, perhaps it seems over-dramatic, but it seems so dark when I think about it. I am the darkness, and You are shining all around me, but I wont let You in. Why cant I just submit to You, give it all to you? I know that You wont let anything hurt me, I know that I will be safe in Your arms. But that "leap of faith" is so scary. God I don't want to jump from this wretched tree. It may be rotting underneath me, but I've come too far; I'm climbed too high. There isn't much left for me to do, I can wait it up. I can post up here, clinging with every breath that I have until this tree burns to the ground with a blaze brighter than the sun...or I can turn that strength, turn that fervor towards you. I can run to You with these stains that I know only your blood can wash free. But God I just need that push, I don't want to jump into your arms, God. I want to fall, head-first, into the warmth of Your love and Your grace. Just give me that extra push.